Ultranormal

I thought I was the only kid who found magazines in the woods. Surprise, surprise. I don’t know how those things get out there, but I guess it’s a porn scavenger hunt out there. I think it’s the Porn Bunny. The Porn Bunny smokes cigarillos, wears a green dealer’s visor and wears deck shoes on his enormous feet. He has gray fur and a bald spot between his ears that he tries to hide with an unconvincing combover.

It was my first exposure to nekkid ladies (nekkid = naked with intent). I’ve said too much already… You’ll never pry it out of me!!! I’ll take the secrets of the woods behind Alice Drive Elementary to my grave!

Ok, it wasn’t that bad, and probably not as scarring as walking in on my parents or anything. It was almost clinical. I was in fourth or fifth grade and just starting to notice girls as more than friends. Then, my friend (not sure who it was and I won’t guess as to only incriminate myself) told me about a secret stash of dirty pictures in the woods. So, we went on a quest. We found them, and after much giggling and ewwwwwww-ing, we put them back and never went back (well, I didn’t).

So, there you go: the beginning of the de-innocence-ification of Kevin. Next time, I’ll tell you about my first kiss and other embarrassing moments during puberty. Or not.