You can’t fight fate, Daws. Forevermore you are Oprah Applemouth. Get used to it. Learn to love your Oprah-ness. Start calling Annie “Steadman” and start a book club. Make people feel guilty for not being perfect and talk about “spirit” in a non-denominational, touchy-feely, inoffensive manner. Start a magazine and put yourself on the cover everything. I believe in you, Oprah Applemouth.