I realized last night that I had watched a grand total of 2 hours and forty minutes of television this weekend: Finding Nemo with Max on Saturday afternoon, and Carnivale last night while drinking my virgin bloody mary and unwinding after a very long day. This weekend was so full and so rewarding that I want to do it all over again, even though my back is sore from stooping over our too-short-for-my-six-foot-frame counters chopping countless vegetables and meats for the two big dinners I cooked. Even though I’m still tired and worn out – it was all good.
I’ve come to a lot of realizations in the past month or so that have dealt major blows to my internal status quo. They could, and probably will be fodder for future blog posts, but here’s a small synopsis of the personal epiphanies I can remember from the past month:
- It’s OK to be Mormon and a Liberal. My religion (maybe not the church membership, but the actual religion) is very politically-agnostic. Every November, a letter is read during Sacrament meeting that basically says, “Vote your conscience, people. Don’t use church membership lists for political purposes, and the Church never endorses candidates.” I’ve got to follow my conscience, and my conscience points me to the Left. I’m now comfortable being there.
- I’m less involved, and do less than I used to. I’m trying to fix that. I’m not sure what caused it, although my hypothesis is that it started with my knee injury and us moving. I got comfortable not being outgoing, partly because I was probably depressed, and never realized it. I think that I’ve finally recovered, and I feel myself coming back. I’m more outgoing, friendlier and happier. I missed me.
- I can do more. Part of the previous one is that I realized that I used to work full-time, go to school, participate in a weekly local TV show, and had a social life. Until recently, I worked and came home, grudgingly went to church, and wasn’t very involved in anything I didn’t have to be. I can do more. I’m doing more. I’m more involved at Church, thinking about bigger things at work and in general, and building a social life outside of hallway conversations at work. I’m looking for fewer diversions (TV, PS2) and more activities (dinner parties, new projects, and even more stuff coming soon). I think part of the “doing more” drive is that I finally feel better. I’ve lost fifty pounds. I can move mostly without pain (except for rapid changes in the weather – the mess with my knee something awful). I have more energy than I’ve had in years, and it feels great. It’s time to channel that energy into new things.
- I don’t know my religion. I swear I used to. Somehow, I’ve forgotten a lot of it. This goes way back, and I’m not going to talk about it here. But, I’m re-energized here too. I’m beginning to feel that commitment again, that drive I had when I was younger to be better that I’d forgotten about. I’ve been a coaster for a long time, just attending and not participating, hearing but not feeling. I think that’s turning around. I feel better at church than I have since I was nineteen (nine years is a LONG time), and I hope it stays that way.
It’s only three things, but they’re all connected, and combined are powerful enough that I almost feel like a different person. I’m starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.