Months ago, Kevin and I decided to stop attending the LDS Church over their support of anti-gay rights legislation. This probably doesn’t come as a shock to most of you, but it actually is a really big deal.\
We talked to the kids about this and they understand as best as they can. We are planning to continue to pray when we want, draw inspiration from the Scriptures, abstain from alcohol, disavow divorce, avoid sleeping with hookers, refrain from becoming crack addicts, and basically try to be good people. We told our families and the news was probably met with much disappointment. (My parents aren’t members of the Church but I know they are saddened to hear about our struggles.)\
We have been struggling with this particular issue for years. The Church isn’t going to change its mind regardless of what we think. While the Church has seen numerous changes in the past, its handling of this issue seems different.\
I joined the Church over 15 years ago and expected it to be a lifelong commitment. There have been times when it has been rough and times when it has been great. It is difficult to do everything the Church asks, but it felt like a worthy struggle. Kind of like marriage. Or, the typical idea of marriage where there are fights and happiness and bad times and good times and all that. (Kevin and I aren’t like that though, and marriage has been much better than I ever anticipated, but that is a post for another day). Since my commitment to the Church was supposed to be lifelong… I sort of feel like I am getting divorced. As much as I decry divorce in most cases, there do exist times when it is acceptable and even prudent.\
So, blah.\
I hate the idea of being ex-Mormon. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. But, I can’t stand the thought of continuing to attend and support the LDS Church.\
Objectively, I am thankful that the Church got me through my college years. Maybe I just needed it then and “don’t” now. (Though I am not sure it is possible to not need a church, a community.) It helped me make decisions that kept me safe. It gave me many opportunities to grow and lead and learn and teach. It gave me friends who felt like family and family who felt like friends. It gave me purpose and direction in my life at a critical point between adolescence and adulthood. It led me to Kevin.\
I don’t know what this decision means for my future, my marriage, my kids’ futures, and I am honestly worried about it. I don’t know how to teach the kids to abstain from premarital sex and alcohol without the Church to back me up. It’s not that I think either of those two things are inherently EVIL! Just that… there is just so much unnecessary heartache attached to those two activities that I want to protect my kids from.\
So, yeah.\
I can’t imagine going through something like this without Kevin feeling the same way I do. I am not sure how that happened, but I am really grateful for it.\
ETA- Some people/media are choosing to bring up other issues with the Church, since it is a hot topic right now. I don’t like this and don’t want to hear [other] bad things about the Church.
5 comments
Comments are closed.
That was a gutsy, brave thing to do. I admire your decision, and wish you and your family the best.
“I don’t know how to teach the kids to abstain from premarital sex and alcohol without the Church to back me up. It’s not that I think either of those two things are inherently EVIL! Just that… there is just so much unnecessary heartache attached to those two activities that I want to protect my kids from.”
You don’t need the Church or even the Scriptures to back you up on that. If you wanted to teach them that these are inherently EVIL! then, yeah, you would. But since that’s not your point here, I think sharing with them about your values and why you have them would go just as far, if not further, than indoctrinating them via religion. Make it a running commentary throughout your lives. Because having a one-off “let’s have a Talk about Values” isn’t going to be very effective. (I’d love to talk more with you about this, but I’m in San Francisco.. and you’re pretty far from here. :/ )
I have some friends who are really wonderful, and their family is marvelous, and their kids have grown up to be really great, confident, mature, and caring people. They don’t subscribe to any religion. You don’t need a church to teach your kids to be good, and you don’t need one to have a strong community. These are things you can create for yourself along the way. I’ve never met you, but I’ve worked with Kevin, and I think you’re both Good People. So I’m pretty confident that you’ll do fine by your kids.
I know we haven’t talked about this subject much, because, well, we’re Lawvers. We don’t talk about much. But thank you for posting this. It gives me a much better appreciation for what you guys have been going through. I just hope I can support you in the process and with what your feeling without seeming like I’m trying to push one way or another. Thanks again for sharing so openly.
A church isn’t like a marriage. It’s a one way street, as generally there’s not a single person to negotiate with. You don’t get to talk to the authority in a church. That’s how the Pope maintains his power – he doesn’t listen to the little people.
That’s POOPY.
Of course, I’ll still be your friend. Email me offline if you ever need someone to give to a thousand reasons not to leave the church over something like this.