You Had That Too?

I thought I was the only kid who found magazines in the woods. Surprise, surprise. I don’t know how those things get out there, but I guess it’s a porn scavenger hunt out there. I think it’s the Porn Bunny. The Porn Bunny smokes cigarillos, wears a green dealer’s visor and wears deck shoes on his enormous feet. He has gray fur and a bald spot between his ears that he tries to hide with an unconvincing combover.

It was my first exposure to nekkid ladies (nekkid = naked with intent). I’ve said too much already… You’ll never pry it out of me!!! I’ll take the secrets of the woods behind Alice Drive Elementary to my grave!

Ok, it wasn’t that bad, and probably not as scarring as walking in on my parents or anything. It was almost clinical. I was in fourth or fifth grade and just starting to notice girls as more than friends. Then, my friend (not sure who it was and I won’t guess as to only incriminate myself) told me about a secret stash of dirty pictures in the woods. So, we went on a quest. We found them, and after much giggling and ewwwwwww-ing, we put them back and never went back (well, I didn’t).

So, there you go: the beginning of the de-innocence-ification of Kevin. Next time, I’ll tell you about my first kiss and other embarrassing moments during puberty. Or not.

Categorized as funny

By Kevin Lawver

Web developer, Software Engineer @ Gusto, Co-founder @ TechSAV, husband, father, aspiring social capitalist and troublemaker.


  1. oh, many times. many woods. no pun intended. a curious phenomenon.
    was leaving a few nights ago, taking the gravel road behind the dulles mail facility (my chosen relative shortcut). littering the road beyond recognition: hundreds of independently and somewhat neatly ripped pages of photographed flesh on flesh. nuggets o’ porn. likely JUGGS, from the… copiousness, let’s say.
    i drove on, never completely stopping. but i slowed down. i cannot tell a lie.
    a day later, all gone.

  2. I’m not saying who I am, lest some parental figure happen on this, but I found that same stash! I don’t think we put it back. Hint, I think I found it two years after you.

  3. Hey, you should try it. I was in a confessional mood last time we were over at the folks’ for dinner and pretty much fessed up to all the sneaky stuff I did as a teenager (and by associated, a lot of stuff my unnamed co-conspirator did too). Overall, I was pretty embarrassed about how little I actually tried to get away with… the folks weren’t totally shocked at all… well, maybe a little. I don’t think I told them about the time I skipped church to go see Pulp Fiction, but I should.

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