Wow, Your Butt Looks Like It Hurts Today

Oh my aching ass. I got a new workout from Madam Trainer yesterday. I worked muscles I don’t think existed before yesterday. Today, I’m in pain. I walk like a duck. I grimace every time I take a step. I didn’t sleep well last night because every time I moved in my sleep, I was jerked into wakefulness by my aching ass, hips and legs.

Why am I doing this to myself? Well, I don’t want to die, first of all. I don’t want to be fat my whole life, and I’d like to be able to coach Max’s tee-ball team in a couple years without having to catch my breath after every pitch. Yeah, that’s it. But why does it have to hurt so much?

Ass, I command thee to stop hurting!! Thighs, stop being like that! You’re fine, now just stop screaming at me. I took some Exedrin, now shut up and let it work.

By Kevin Lawver

Web developer, Software Engineer @ Gusto, Co-founder @ TechSAV, husband, father, aspiring social capitalist and troublemaker.