So It's August, Huh?

I posted this in Slack at work on Friday and I'm feeling it today, so you're getting it too. I don't know why I feel compelled to share it with you. I don't know why I felt compelled to share it at work, but I haven't talked about this with a single person who's still working in tech who doesn't also feel it; and I figure there are a lot of people who don't have the privilege I do to be vulnerable at work or in public (I guess that's one of the benefits of having written in public on the internet for 26+ years).

So, if this is you, you are definitely not alone. I think everyone who works for a paycheck, who is responsible for supporting themselves or a family with that paycheck, feels it. The more precarious that paycheck, the harder you probably feel it.

Here's what I wrote. I think the link to Rula will work for anyone, so talk to someone.

Charles (he's the CEO) said in all-hands a month or so ago to share our struggles as well as our wins, so here goes. I've been riding the struggle bus for a while, and after talking to a few other people, I'm not alone on it. Simon Willison calls the feeling engineers are having about all the changes to our jobs "Deep Blue." Yep, got that. The news keeps happening and a lot of it isn't good. A lot of people I care about are constantly threatened by my own government. It's all a lot and it's constant. I don't think it's going to stop being a lot or constant for a while, but I realized me being on the struggle bus and feeling alone about it didn't have to be constant. My doctor referred me to this site, which is covered by our insurance (assuming you're on BLANKETY BLANK too) like a regular office visit for both therapy and psychiatry.

Having struggled for months looking for a therapists for family members before, this was... pleasant by comparison. My first therapy appointment is Monday. My first psychiatry appointment was Monday (and I signed up last Friday). All I can say is that just the act of standing up and moving forward made me feel so much better. So, if you're struggling too, check it out (the link gives you your first appointment free - I don't get anything out of it, but seriously, it was so much easier to find a therapist that was both accepting patients and accepts our insurance than it was previously).

So, yeah. I'm on the Struggle Bus. I hate it. I was shocked when I talked to the psychiatrist on Monday and was told I'm depressed because, that's not me. I'm not the guy who's depressed. I'm the guy who's optimistic, who turns things around, who cheers people up.

But, you know what, I am depressed, and I have been for a while, I just didn't know what to call it other than "sad" and "tired".

If you feel that too, maybe you're depressed too - maybe not. And maybe, like me, you're so fucking good at masking it and being the guy you think other people need you to be that the people around you don't notice it until you're a mess. Either way, it wouldn't hurt to find out!

It's not weak to ask for help or to go find it. Like I said on Slack, just standing up and moving forward that one step to make that appointment, the next tiny step to show up, the next tiny step to make the therapy appointment... those have made me feel better already (OK, and Wellbutrin - that shit is incredible).

You are loved. Stick around.