Category: funny

Cranial Endorectumitis: You figure it out.

Have you seen KEO? You can go and post a 6000 character message that will be sent up into a satellite will supposedly orbit the earth for 50,000 years before returning to earth to be read by our descendants. Ummm, yeah. Anyway, Jon and I came up with some possible missives for the project (all of these are fake and aren’t self-reflective, I swear):

• Summer of ’02 was r0xx0r!!

• I WAS SUPERMAN ALL ALONG! Yours Truly, Clark Kent (Jon’s)

• Hi, I’m your great-great-granddad. In August of 2002, I lived @ 214 Evergreen Terrace in Springfield, USA. Here’s a topographical map. Please come get me and take me to the future. This place sucks.

• THE TREASURE IS IN THE {-~~signal interrupt-~~} (Again, Jon’s)

• Your great¹³ Grandmother was a slut (because in 50k years, you’ll have to use scientific notation on your greats).

• I sure hope Jill won Survivor.

• Dude, do aliens really have three eyes and suckers on their fingers?

• That letter to Penthouse you never mailed.

• The lyrics to that touching Dave Mathews Band song so everyone in the future will know what a gigantic ass I am

• “I’m sure no one will read this, but I have to tell someone. In 1985, I kissed a man, and I kinda liked it.” (or some other equally depressing revelation you couldn’t bring yourself to utter in your lifetime)

• The lyrics of Allanis Morrisette’s Ironic for the same reason you’d include the Dave Mathews Band lyrics. Pretty much pop song lyrics of any sort would show the future that you’re a gigantic ass.

I was talking to a guy I work with about the Swedish Chef from the old Muppet Show. I’d forgotten all about “bork”. It’s the funniest four letter (what is it, onomatopoeia, word, thing?) in the world. So funny in fact, I deleted one of my screennames on AOL to create a new one: Bork Bork Moo. Watch for me online (not often, but watch nonetheless). It’s not funny, but I can’t stop laughing.

Why is now my favorite time in Max’s life so far? He connects things now and can have a real conversation (well, real in a surreal way). Last night, we had to take my little brother to school on our way out to dinner. Steve has the flu, but had to go to class anyway. Jen asked Steve how he was doing, to which Steve replied, “Pretty poopy.” Max looked at Steve with a compassionate “I’ve been there, man” look and said in his most serious concerned voice, “Do you need a clean one?”

I almost wrecked the car… Max is sincere and concerned for an almost three year-old. Whenever I even mime being upset, he’ll come over, put his little hand on my big arm and ask, “Are you OK, Daddy?” To which I always say, “Yes, Max, I’m fine.” In this golf game we’ve been playing, there’s a grungy Goth dude (it’s a stupid golf game). The first time Max saw him, he said, “That guy doesn’t look to happy. Why is he not happy, Daddy?” I had no good answer… so I said his underwear was too tight and he needed a nap. That seemed to satisfy Max just fine.

After my last post about the wondrous vibrating broom, I’ve decided that it’s a marketing ploy to introduce a major plot point in the next book. Since the kids are getting older, and obviously curious about the ways of the world, there will be a new sex education teacher named Ms. Trembly-Wombly. They’ve already cast Dr. Ruth for the movie.

See, I told you Amazon has the best reviews: “The vibrations, along with the swooshing sounds make for a very magical journey!”

My friend Jon, from Tucson, writes a brilliantly macabre comic strip called Jeremy. This week’s strip is truly the best ever.

My friend Jon clarifies the Christian position on goats. Funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time.

Today’s diesel sweeties is amazing. It reminds me of all those stupid discussions my brother and I had as kids about who could beat up who and under what conditions.

Do you know why I love reading Michael Brown’s blog? It’s stories like these. His son (well, his oldest son) is a couple years older than Max, and Michael’s writing gives me a nice “in the near future” glimpse at what I’m in for. He’s way up there on my daily reading list (even though he frequently doesn’t post every day, I still check).