Category: funny

Dooce never disappoints. I proudly, and without shame, link to the greatest poop story ever told. As someone who once went without pooping for almost two months, I feel your pain. I never passed out from pooping, but I did pass out once after pooping. I was sitting there too long, legs were asleep, stood up, sat back down VERY quickly, woke up with head on toilet paper roll, and a hand in the toilet.

I love Jon Morris in ways that should be illegal (and in Alabama, they are!). To prove my point, today he teaches us that some of the best things in life end in ‘tee’, among other Pirate Wisdom. Trust me, you’ll love it.

In other news, I’ve decided that I need to get more of my pals to blog. To that end, I’ve set up a new site just for them (my friends who want to try blogging): Scibbles Here. Melissa is the first, sure to be followed by others.

Relatedly, this makes me really happy that I have Dreamhost, and that I got in on that crazy anniversary sale last year. I have all sorts of flexibility, bandwidth and options, so setting up a new site is a lot easier than it should be, and they keep lowering prices on domain registration, which makes them even better! All hail Dreamhost! (and yes, that link up there will get me cool stuff if you end up signing up with them, but I really do love them).

Amen. How often we forget to be amazing… (OK, I forget).

Are you feeling stupid? Have you lost your edge in trivia games? Do you need better quality reading in your bathroom? Baby, you need Condensed Knowledge, big time. I have a copy, and although I’ve now forgotten everything I learned from it, I had a great time reading it. It’s funny, pithy, and in some cases, kind of rude. It’s the best kind of rude though, really.

There are lots and lots of different topics, and some you can easily skip (I skipped economics at least three times). Not that it’s not good, but the psychology, all the science bits, religion and philosophy sections deserve repeat reading.

The short articles (most less than a page), and the writing style, make this a great “pick up anywhere, put down anywhere” book. It’s been in my bathroom for the last two months, and I think I’ve read almost all of it by now (except for the damnable economics section – not that it’s bad, economics puts me to sleep, and on the toilet, that can be bad for your legs, you know). You can pick it up, flip open to any page and learn something you can use to impress your friends (or other people you might meet while you’re in the bathroom).

So yeah… that’s my review (thanks to Mr. Smokler for hooking me up with the book). In a nutshell: it’ll make you smarter if you read it on the toilet, but too heavy to take on the plane.

For the longest time, Google thought I was a typo. When you searched for “Kevin Lawver“, it used to tell me that I was nobody. It used to tell everyone that they really meant “Kevin Lawlor”, whoever that is. But, no longer!! I am somebody now!! We’ve been using me as the spellcheck query at work long enough that Google’s figured out that I really exist, and “Lawver” is spelled correctly (how sad is it when the entire world, including major search engines, misspell your last name?). Now, when you search for me, I am me, and Google doesn’t think you’ve made a mistake. Heck, if you misspell me, it tries to point you back to me! How cool is that?

This totally makes my day. Thanks to Franco for pointing it out.

Read a really funny and disgusting story about a worm.

Be forewarned, today is “Kevin the tired, aggro, jaw-juttin’, angry white guy” day. I’m listening to Name of the Game, rockin’ out with my head bouncing and my lower jaw sticking out in the only dance us white guys know how to do.

No, really, there’s no excuse for staying up late, getting up early, and coming into work before anyone else just to get some work done uninterrupted without that frickin’ guy saying “You’ve Got Mail” every minute, or thirty IMs hitting me at once asking me to drop everything and help them. Today, nothing is good enough. No one is up to par. You all suck and don’t know it, which makes you suck even more.

Oh, crap, how did Clocks and Trouble get in my cock-out-rockin’ playlist? Augh!! Now I love everyone, and I’m sorry for all the insensitive things I said. I never meant to cause you trouble. I never meant to do you harm. Damn you, Coldplay!!

This post brought to you by deadlines, work, documents I have to write using Word, people constantly walking past my door and looking at me, and the letter P

Guess who the first hit on Google is for “france is full of gay people “. Yep, it’s me. Good call, oh great oracle. But, speaking to that, I don’t think it is. My gaydar didn’t go off once in France (OK, it did once, but he was British). Not in Paris, and certainly not in Mandelieu. And with the number of small children with hetero-lookin’ parents I saw there, I can pretty much vouch that France is not full of gay people. I don’t even think France is all that full of anything. There were plenty of places I saw that had no people at all, and were completely undeveloped.

Someone should start a game… Let’s refute the searches that bring people to our sites, and then collect the best somewhere. Yeah, someone should totally do that. Someone with lots of free time, but not me, because I don’t.

One of my favorite stories from 20×2 is online! Robert’s big idea is out there. It’s a good one.

I’m not quite the sensative, hip and with-it modern man I thought I was. Case in point: Last night at Fray, Lance Arthur told a hilarious story about gay dating, being a hottie, and a gargantuan penis. It was extremely funny, although there was enough detail to make me, someone who thinks he’s very comfortable with his sexuality, squirm just a little. But, it was perfectly told, and funny. And you know me, funny trumps all. So, as Lance comes off the stage, I hold out my hand, and shake his as he walks past.

And then it hits me… I just touched the hand that touched that gigantic penis. My brain went through mini-convulsions for a couple nanoseconds, and then the cool part of me told the little homophobe hiding in the corner of my psyche, “Yeah, but I’m sure he’s washed his hands since then.”