Author: Kevin Lawver

  • Me? Golfing?

    I went golfing today. No, really, I’m serious. I played a whole 18 holes of serious man golf from the grown-up tees. In the picture, the fearsome foursome: my dad, Mike the first time golfer, Chuck the good golfer, and me, the guy who hasn’t golfed in over a decade. There are many pictures of our links hijinks.\
    We ended up in the middle of the best-ball scramble with a respectable six over par. I contributed a lot more than I thought I would, and played tons better than I used to when dad took us out when I was a lot younger. Here are my personal accomplishments on the course today.

    • I sank a forty-foot putt, with a generous left to right break

    • I sank two other pretty long putts for birdies

    • I had one gigantic 240-yard drive right down the middle of the fairway

    • I was surprisingly consistent for having not played. In the middle of the round, I was consistently making contact, even if the direction was a little wild

    • I did swell putting. Really swell.

    Now? I’m going to take my sore back and oddly sunburned body. Remember, if you sunblock, make sure you get everywhere. If you leave the spots next to your ears, under your sideburns onblocked, you’ll end up with beet-red flesh sideburns. Mmmm, attractive.

  • The Complete Swim Report

    I took Max to the pool by myself last night. Since some little brat blew chunks in the regular pool, we were all relegated to the usually-off-limits lap pool. It was nice being able to swim, but the lap pool is three and a half feet at its shallowest, which means Max can’t touch the bottom and keep breathing. I tried just carrying him around in the water, but that was boring, and Max spent more time sitting on the side of the pool than in it. So, I made him put the floats in his swimsuit (his swimsuit is the coolest – it has little pockets where you can put up to six inflatable tubes). That’s when the fun began. Max got in, and I show him how I could let go of him, and he’d still float. He caught on pretty quickly. He wanted me to tow him around the pool with him on my back. As I did, he’d let go and let me get away from him, giggling like a madman the whole time. After doing that a couple times, I started making him get to me by himself. He kicked his little butt off, let me tell you. He was almost vertical in the water, bicycling his way towards me. It worked!\
    After swimming short distances for a little while, Max decided he wanted to jump off the side and have me catch him. Ok, great idea. Yeah, let’s do that. After a couple times of catching him so his head never went under the water, I told him I was moving back and he had a jump REALLY far. After doing that a couple times, I told him that I wasn’t gonna catch him this time, but that I’d make sure he was OK. Again, no sweat. The kid jumps three feet out into the pool, goes under the water, pops right back up and laughs. He laughs like it’s the best ride at the amusement park. He laughs with water dripping down his face and his little legs kicking and it melts my heart.\
    After the jumping, he decides he wants to race me across the pool. the lap pool. really, the lap pool. It’s about 20 yards long. We raced five times. He swam the whole way each time by himself. Really. He’s three and a half and he swam over a hundred yards, practically non-stop. And by the end, he was holding his breath, sticking his little head under the water and trying to swim underwater. He held his breath for ten to fifteen seconds each time, and came up sputtering only once or twice. The kid’s a fish, I tell you.\
    Max and I spent two hours at the pool. He was still going strong at 8pm, his normal bedtime, when they kicked us out. On top of all the swimming, Max peed in the toilet twice while at the pool. Yeah, he’s three and he’s not potty-trained. He just hasn’t been into it enough to try yet. For some reason though, he’ll pee in the toilet at the pool, which leads me to believe he knows when he has to pee. Maybe it’s the swim diapers… dunno… but he swam! I was so proud of him. He’s so brave and small and beautiful it makes me want to cry. He’s not the little lump we used to leave on a blanket on the floor, fix dinner, and come back to find him happily gurgling along in the same spot. He’s a boy with no fear, a bright mind, and a big heart. He has opinions and thoughts and questions. He’s a joy to be with almost all the time (he gets really ornery when he’s tired, and that’s not so fun).\
    I want to preserve times like last night at the pool forever. I’ll keep them in some acrylic vault, in a mylar bag, for a day in the future when it sucks to be his father: after he’s wrecked a car, or stayed out all night or does one of the stupid things teenage boys do. I’ll pull out this perfect memory and remember that the kid who’s just screwed up is the same kid who swam five laps in the big pool, jumped fearlessly into the deep water and told me he loved me on the way home, sopping wet, hair tussled and a big sleepy, sloppy grin on his face.

  • Too Much… Too Tired

    I hate doing “I’m going to blog about this, really” posts, but I do it enough that you should be used to it by now. I took Max to the pool tonight all by myself. Some little jerk decided to throw up in it, so we were all relegated to the lap pool. The lap pool is three and a half feet deep at its shallowest, so I made Max put the floats in his swimsuit. There’s way more to this story, but needless to say, on only his third trip to the swimming pool, the kid can swim, hold his breath and put his head under the water and will jump off the side of the pool and get himself back up the surface (the floats help, but still, that’s brave for three). I’ll tell you the whole story tomorrow. The kid wore me out… good night!

  • The Gay Agenda

    Part One and Part Two. I sure hope Mr. Arthur sounds like Buddy Cole, because he does in my head. I have never read a funnier parody of high school assemblies, the differences between straight and gay, and classroom discussions. He did a great job capturing voice and making it feel like it was an actual transcript. Funny, funny stuff.\
    Aside from the humor, I was impressed by how honest it is about the camps in the gay community. In Tucson, I knew a lot of gay people and had quite a few gay friends. It was funny to see parties and gatherings where the group was mostly gay. The cliques and stereotypes are mostly true in a beautiful and amusing way. Lance does a better job than I could of putting all those stereotypes in perspective and doing it with a lot of humor.\
    And relatedly… I miss all my HomoFriends. No one that I know here is out enough to be any fun. Maybe I’m just old and have no friends… Maybe the gay people all run from me and my obvious boringness. No, really, I can queen out if you give me a chance! I’m straight, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends!!

  • Dean’s Democratic Declaration

    Dean’s declaration speech was pretty stunning. I only heard the last half, but went back and read the whole thing. Reading it, I almost teared up. I need to go back and compare this speech, and Dean’s platform to that list I came up with of what I want from my elected officials. He sounds too good to be true. And what’s funny is he sounds, acts and even kinda looks like John McCain, who I voted for in the Republican primary in 2000 (yeah, I was a Republican at one time, remember?).\
    Even if you’re planning on voting for GW, or anyone else in 2004, please go read the speech. It’s good. It’s inspiring. It gives me hope that there is a chance of dethroning President Bush and putting some sanity back into the Executive branch. It’s time to stop being afraid and actually do something.

  • A Pretend Demand For Pretend Money to Write A Pretend Book

    The Acadia Letters are the best cure for an early morning. I’m not even caffeinated and I laughed my head off.

  • Howard Dean on Meet The Press

    Ok, I know I told Nancy Pelosi I was voting for Dean last night. That was a bit of an exagerration. I wasn’t sure. Seeing him on Meet the Press this morning helped tip the scale. He was thoughtful and intelligent and gave some answers I agree with. That would have been OK and completely unimpressive had it not been for his answers about parental notification. I went in disagreeing with his position. The answers he gave didn’t really change my mind, but he showed the thought process that went into making his decision and that process was logical. I don’t agree with him on this issue, but I definitely respect him for being willing to talk about the events that led him to take the position he has.\
    It was a tough interview. Tim Russert took it to him, as he should. Russert’s a great interviewer, and especially tough when someone’s new to the national stage. It’s the toughest interview I’ve seen on the show since Dick Cheney sometime last year (don’t remember exactly when, just remember Tim hammering him on several issues). I can’t imagine President Bush holding up and answering intelligently, or even being able to defend his positions under that kind of questioning.\
    I’m still not sold 100%, but Dean’s a solid candidate, and I hope he does well. He shows that there is some fight in the Democrats and we might not be stuck with GW for another four years.

  • Dear Max

    How did you know it was my turn to wake up with you this morning? Did you wake up at 6:50AM because you knew it was me? One day, you’ll realize that Sunday mornings are for sleeping in, not for waking up at the buttcrack of dawn and jumping on me. I don’t know about you (ok, I really do), but my imagination doesn’t start working until at least 10:30. Before then, you’re lucky to get a good game of Princess Lamby Gets Saved By Hero Max From Daddy the Badguy.\
    I apologize profusely for sucking when we had our big car race on the couch, and that my airplane noises during our dogfight were less than enthusiastic. I hope the fact that I didn’t get upset when you spilled rice krispies all over your chair will help dull some of the pain from my lackluster playing.\
    I also hope that you forgive me for not finishing Snow. You were so enraptured with Junkyard Wars, I just couldn’t bring myself to get to the end and find out if the snow melted or not.\
    And thank you for accidentally kicking me in the crotch while I was the Badguy. If I were really the Badguy, that would be a perfectly valid move. But, when playing, please only pretend kick Daddy in the nuts. Thanks.\
    I hope you’re enjoying the fine programming on Noggin right now. I am definitely enjoying my ice pack and the quiet in the office. I hope you come visit soon.\
    Love,\
    Daddy

  • Dear Nancy Pelosi

    I got your “letter” yesterday asking me to send money to the Democratic National Campaign Commitee. While I appreciate the address labels, at this time I can not donate money in good conscience. You may ask yourself why. The Democrats haven’t done anything to earn any of my hard earned money. You and your fellow Representatives and the Senators of the Democratic party have failed to mount even a token resistance to the President and the Republicans’ extreme agenda. The party is in disarray and from the looks of the current crop of folks running for President, it looks like George W. Bush may win re-election.\
    If the leadership of the Democratic party gets their act together and puts up real resistance, I’ll consider donating to the cause. For now, I’m waiting for you to prove it to me that you’re willing to put up a fight.\
    I’m waiting anxiously for the Virginia Democratic Primary so I can vote for Howard Dean. Do I think he’ll win? No, but he’s the only member of the current crop of candidates who’s willing to ask the hard questions and come out against the President’s far-right agenda (and not look mad doing it, sorry Congressman Kucinich) with the vigor it deserves. If only the rest of the party could follow his lead and be as passionate.\
    Sincerely,\
    Kevin Lawver