Ultranormal

Category: funny

  • My Weekend Plans

    • Someone: What are you going to do this weekend?
    • Me: Go home, take some painkillers and watch nature documentaries. It’s gonna be a hell of a weekend\
      Oh yeah, and get a massage, and I might eat some ice cream too. My ankle’s good for all kinds of excuses to sit around with my foot up (and look at my extra ankle!). Vicodin’s an evil, evil drug, kids. Don’t take it unless someone gives it to you.\
      Have a good weekend, everybody!

  • Hidden Blessings

    One of the only good things about having a really slow metabolism is that pain killers stay in my system for a very long time. Ok, maybe that’s not a good thing. I’m feeling the pain, but I’m still loopy. Writing code while high may work for some folks, but it doesn’t work for me, especially with my constant interruptions (and they are constant – why do you think I’m a winner at AIM Fight).\
    The MRI went pretty well yesterday. I looked at the films and I can see the break, and nickel sized chunk of bone hanging out. Well, I could see it before through the skin (it looks like a second ankle down and forward from my “real” ankle). I have a lot of pain on the outside of the ankle, and I couldn’t see anything broken there, but what do I know? I’m no doctor (but I’ve seen enough of my own x-rays, and played enough games with Max to know what’s broken). Oh yeah, and I either have really flat feet, or the bones in my foot are seriously out of place now.\
    I can’t wait to see what the good doctor has to say on Monday (and I may try to scan in the best MRI shot so you can see the break before the doctor takes them away from me… it’s cool-lookin’).

  • Who’s Number One?

    Me! Well, I’m number one for everything dumb. What about me is number one for that? It’s this super dumbness. Dumb, huh?

  • I’m Out and Proud (Sorta)

    We are now the proud owners of a minivan. Proud probably isn’t the right word exactly. I’m happy that we got the model we wanted, at the price we wanted (I even haggled them down two grand), with the features we wanted and without the ones we didn’t (automatic doors are the dumbest things ever – they’re slower than elevator doors and you can’t “unlock” them to make them fly free).\
    And we got it just in time for Jen’s parents to come out. Now we’ve got room for everyone, and I do mean everyone. Y’all wanna go for a minivan ride?\
    This car confirms our predilection towards white cars. This was a complete accident. I found one vehicle that met our criteria, and it just happens to be white… just like the last two cars we bought. They were coincidences as well. Or were they? You decide!

  • T-Shirt Sites

    James asked me to post a list of places I get my t-shirts. Here it is. On top of these places where you can actually buy t-shirts, Preshrunk is an awesome resource for cool shirts, and new t-shirt sites.

    • T-Shirt Hell – Some of them are really raunchy, but there are some amazing gems here.
    • Diesel Sweeties – Great pixel artwork, and funny slogan shirts, oh, and a hilarious web comic. Home of the shirt I’m wearing RIGHT NOW: Bacon is a vegetable
    • Thinkgeek – Awesome source for shirts from the slightly geeky to the super-nerdy. Home of the Viva La Relativity shirt.
    • Maestro Instruments – Home of “This is the torch I use to burn bridges” and other funny shirts.\
      That’s where I get most of my weird shirts.

  • Out Of The Mouth Of Max

    We were eating pizza tonight, and I was telling a story about my doctor. Max asked me why I went to the doctor, and I told him that my doctor was helping me lose weight. Max tilted his head to the side, pointed his little index finger up like a learned philosopher and said, matter of factly, “You know what they say, ‘Lose the fat for better sex.’”\
    At moments like these, what do you do? Jen lost it in gales of giggles. Brian followed suit because Jen was laughing. I sat there, dumbfounded, and asked Max where he’d seen that. Of course, it’s from the cover of a grocery checkout magazine.\
    It’s great having a kid who can read at a young age; but it creates its own unique challenges… and I need to lose some fat! Come on better sex!!

  • Go Now, Today, Cuz It’s Cool!!!

    Salon has gotten some of the Oscar-nominated shorts and can show them online today only!! Go, Now, Watch, Enjoy!!!! I just watched Gopher Broke and it’s awesome. Can’t wait to check out the other ones (while I’m not working, of course).

  • My Personal Superhero Theme Song

    I helped out my pal Jon with a CSS/Javascript question this morning, and he penned this Superhero Theme Song for me. Why? I have no idea, but he did it, and I have to share it.\
    Kevin’s Superhero Theme:\
    Kev-i-i-i-n! Kevin Lawver!\
    Hero to-o-o-o the common man!\
    Mi-i-i-ighty! Mighty Lawver!\
    helps out whene’er he can!\
    With a HO! and a HEY! and a DEEDLE DOO DEE!\
    It’s up and away he GO-O-O-O-OES!\
    On a horse made of candy\
    Through the desert of hope!\
    Kevin Lawver, and h-i-i-i-is … fi-i-i-i-i-ine … hoo-o-o-o-o-oes! (whip crack!)\
    KEVIN!\
    — By Jon Morris

  • Best Search Term Ever

    I just got the best search referral EVER. If you search for Mormon weirdos, guess which post of mine is number one? It’s this one!! I am the king of all wacky Mormons!! I am a Mormon Weirdo!!!

  • I Can’t!!

    I’m Mormon. Everyone is getting one of these this Christmas, including me. OK, not everyone, just us Mormons. Everyone else gets WWJD (for a Klondike bar).

    Apparently, some people can’t take a joke. What, you don’t have non-member friends who’ve asked you if you want a drink, a smoke, anything? Come on, people… get real.