Ultranormal

Author: Kevin Lawver

  • Scandal Suffixes

    Why do we still add “gate” to the end of our scandals still? Watergate happened thirty years ago, and it’s about time we let the ritzy apartment complex on the Potomac its name back, and remove the stigma from “gate” so it can get back to meaning something again. “Wilsongate” doesn’t even sound cool. It sounds like a really horribly named, faceles suburb of Akron. Now, I know the Media will never go for this. They love their cute little names for complex conspiracies and scandals. I’ve come up with a couple suggestions for possible replacements and usage examples:

    • “ron” – a la “Enron”: It sounds so much more tech geeky when you add “ron” to the end of words it doesn’t belong on.

      • Wilson-ron

      • File-ron

      • Travel-ron

      • Energy-ron (kind of redundant, don’t you think?)

      • Monica-ron

    • “iburton” – a la “Halliburton”: It adds a certain officiality to a name, doesn’t it?

      • Wilson-iburton

      • File-iburton

      • Travel-iburton

      • Energy-iburton (again, kinda redundant)

      • Monica-burton (shortened for ease of pronunciation)

    I really think this’ll catch on. It’s a new century, it’s time for new scandal suffixes! Bring on Bush-ron and Cheney-burton!!

  • Wow, That Was Quick

    Thank goodness that’s over. I didn’t see the comment, but I sure am glad Rush is off NFL Countdown. I love the show, but seeing his face on the show every sunday made me ill. He added nothing to the show, and was constantly interrupting with his stupid blowhard comments and ruined the genial raucousness of the show that I loved. That show only has room for one blowhard, and his name’s Berman. Berman’s got the experience and the good nature to pull it off and make it funny instead of galling. Rush is just a bore. Good riddance.

  • Flying Awesomes

    Talking to my old pal Josh today, I came up with the funniest thing I’ve IM’ed to someone in a long, long time. We were trying to top each with our descriptions of how “awesome” something is (it’s a stupid game, but it was funny). Here’s my last contribution that so far has silenced him: It was as awesome as awesomopterix, the first flying awesome.

    Seriously, go read this interview with Wesley Clark. It’s the pinnacle of awesomillitude.

  • Giant Toenails

    I decided to take a break from the gigantic product I’ve been working on for the past four and a half years. I’m burned out on it. So, I’m working on this other thing now, and well, it’s huge. I signed up for a plate, and it turned out the plate was attached to something. What I thought was a plate is actually a giant’s toenail. This giant is mean, ill-mannered and ruthless – doesn’t like people holding on to his toenail. But, I’ve got ahold of his toenail, and it’s apparently my job to tell the giant that we should paint this toenail. The giant’s job is to tell me what color the toenail is supposed to be, what brush I should use, and what shapes I should paint. Unfortunately, the giant’s not telling me anything, so I’m doing a lot of guessing right now. Until the giant speaks, I’m sitting here holding a stinking toenail.

    I’m taking next week off, so I have to let go of the toenail. When I get back, the toenail may be gone and I may be thrown some other part of the giant and told to paint it. I may have to help survey the giant to see if this giant is really the giant we want. If it’s not, do I get to tell the angry lunk he’s not the right giant for us?

  • Parties and Skates

    Two new galleries of larger photos (thank you, gigantic hosting plan!):

    There’s all kinds of stuff to talk about, of course, but go read Reid’s post about the whole Joe Wilson thing. Very well done. Or, if you’re not in the mood for real news, try out NationStates

  • Goals and Parties

    Life is good. How good? I can’t really tell you, but work is great. I pulled off something this week that I never thought I’d be able to do. I accomplished a big goal that no one thought was possible, and I did it without anyone knowing it was coming, which made it even better.

    Max’s fourth birthday party is tomorrow morning. It’ll be way too much fun.

    And now, I’m going to go to bed. I’m freakin’ exhausted.

  • Switching – Again

    UPDATE: And I’m back! That wasn’t so bad…

    I’m switching hosts again. It was an offer I just couldn’t refuse. So, expect some bumpiness as the domain transfer goes through. If you see a “Be back soon” message, please e-mail me at wacky-ala-webica.com, because that means it’s gone through and I can get everything back up and running.

  • Faith Is In The Little Things

    Thanks to Jodi for passing on this beautiful article on faith. I’ve got more to say about it, but I just can’t find the words at the moment. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

    I came to a little self-realization last week that’s been troubling me. I always thought I was outgoing. I realized this week, that there’s a huge difference between being friendly and being outgoing. I went to this dessert party at a friend’s house a couple weeks ago where there were a bunch of people I didn’t know. I ended up playing with all the little kids (a gaggle of three and four year-olds in a basement filled with little musical instruments is a joy – you have never heard a more exuberant version of Old McDonald in your life), instead of socializing with the adults.

    That got me thinking, and I started reviewing my life in my head. I’m the life of the party, where the party is fairly small and I know everyone, or I hit it off with folks. In larger parties, or ones where I don’t know everyone, I withdraw and usually end up doing what I did the other night, play with the kids.

    I did plays all through high school, but I never played to the audience. I always played for the people in the cast, because we were relatively small compared to the audience. I think the only reason I did it what that you can’t really see the audience while you’re on stage. If I could have, I’m not sure I would have been able to.

    Why all this silly introspection? I have a fairly new calling at church (Ok, for all the non-Mormons out there – we’re an all-volunteer outfit pretty much, no one in the congregation gets paid for their service, and the Bishop asks or “calls” people to “callings” or jobs). I’m the new Executive Secretary, which means I have to talk to folks I don’t know all the time, because I keep the Bishop’s schedule (I am Kevin “Boy Friday” Lawver). When I accepted the calling, I had no idea it would be so hard for me to call people the Bishop wants to see, or get phone calls from folks I don’t know.

    It’s terrifying, and I don’t know why. I am doing it though, which I’m pretty proud of. The friendly me comes out, and I don’t think I’ve run away from anyone yet. Oh well, this navel-gazing has gone on long enough.

    Oh yeah, if you didn’t know, Max turns four next week. I can’t believe he’s already a little boy!

  • Philosophizing

    My pal Jon is a friggin’ genius. His series, The Philosophers, is a gem. The second frames of numbers 10 and 11 are pure gold. If you haven’t found Jon’s crazyness yet, go now. No, really, stop reading this depressing crap and go. I’ll be here when you get back.

  • Yummy

    Excuse me while I go boil me some water. I don’t know what it is, but boiled water doesn’t taste very good. I don’t recommend it.